Verily and forfoothe. Att ye commande of ye moofte Perfecte Flower
off Avon, for twaf by thine requeft, I ftareth nowe thif, ye Elizabethan Blogge
of Johannef Bruufe. Herewith, and whattever followeth aftter, being nought butt
a tru accounte of ye dayyef that paffeth af certainlie af ye celeftial boddies
turneth and ye night becommef dayye.
Thuf, I maketh thif moofte humble dedicafioun and I deemeth itt
moofte appropriyate that thif be compof’d for ye moofte efteem’d
Ftratforde-upon-Avon, Wordfmith’f Writerf’ Grupe in apprerciatione ofe ther
moofte treafur’d companie and grate jollitie ofe witte.
Being nought nowe but
ye moofte ag’d of anciente and graybearde menne, I had forgotte, being
nowe poffeff’d on butte lyttle, fhrunkenn, wittes, that ye conventionf ofe ye
Elizabethan fpeake demandeth that, notte onlie ye moofte astownding and gratte
inconfiftancief off fpellyng, butt that ye “f” becometh ye “f” att alle tymef.
Appologief if ye hereaftter, withe keenr brightter eye ofe youthe, fhould
fpotteth fuch ane errour.
I throweth myn felf att thyne tendereft of mercief, fouldft I
ftrayest frome fuch a courfe off actioun and forgiveth me if, inne thif ftayte
ofe dotage I, perchance, flippeth inne fom Chaucer bye miftake.
Ye Dayye 1.
Thuf, I ftarteth oute nowe, as thoughe I were butt the meareft
ftripplyng ofe midfhippemanne upon hif mayden voyage, bounde for ye moofte
wondrouf Indief and before whom lieth ye moofte fearful perilf off ye oceane.
Ye phyfeter and ye moofte drede Oliphant beaft that, by ye bankef of ye Nyle,
fwalloweth wholle, by meanf of hif gygantic mouthe and ivorie tufkef, onnie
manne foolifh enuf to ftandeth in hif pathe.
Twaf uppon thine comande I did discerne the onfe hydroptic Earth
fpeweth forth her myftef and phantoums ofe ye Paft. For I was butt thenn fat
ine ye inn, ye Fhakefeare Inn, upoun ye High Ftreet, in the afourmention’d
pleasour’d companie ofe hackf. Att onfe, as tho ye gravef open’deft and, in
myne cuppf, from within ye darkeft realm of ye colectif unconfoiufneff, arofe
ye fpiritf of Ftratford, and they fpaketh with butt one voyce and in accorde
faytheth too me, thuf;
“Johannef Bruufe! Fitteft nowe in Ftratford and ine thine pretence,
pretendeth thine felf to be a hack of fuch meafour af wouldft moveth the pathf
of all celeciftial bodief in th’ Univerf? Meaneft of hackf art thou if ye
discerneft not ye gratte fpiritf of olde; Fhakefpeare, Marlowe, Ben Jonfoun and
ye Metaphfyicall Poetf, Donne, et al, who hath op’d ye very Gatewyef of
Humanityef Perceptioun to ye bejewell’d treafuryef of Philofophie! For fhame!
Feefth thou not ye rankf of houfbandrie and ye tradefmenne ofe ye paft who
fayte befott’d, verily, in that faym place af thou parkeft nowe thine gratte
and mooft flatullante of arfef” Poppynjay! ‘Odsblod! Noddle of porke! Fhifteth
it, thine fcaly buttockf from thif place and fet thine compaff on ye compofioun
off a blogge as thou wer’t ask’d off. Twat.”.
Thuf, nowe do I moofte humblie fetteth forthe on this vouyage of difcouverie
and by ye meanf of ye magygic of electirickerie, and fouche alchemie as I
poffeffeth, fend forth thru ye veryt’ble Fpheres of Heav,n ye email’d accounte
of thefe travailef...
Ye Dayye 2
Earlie thif morn, waf I befet by fom forme ofe fpirit of ye paft who
announceth himflef af “Will’m” and bade me underftand that, fomehow, I fould
kno ofe him. Uponn expreffiounf of bewyldermente he turn’d to namyng me for,
“clodpoll” and, “truckulent youthe”, “the mereft maggott fprung for ye fmall
partf of ye ewef behind”. For fuch wordef I wouldft feign have fiez’d th’
doltard by hif privvie partf, but, vouchfay’d, forbade myfelf to the mutt’ryng
of, “Bald’d loon. Thou haft ne’er a winfom ftrumpet knon! Ney, not e’en a dark
haired one” and continu’d inne ye difcourf. By myne feeming fo unaffect’d by
hif dyatribef, that deceav’d hif perceptiounf, and being thuf nouw playcated in
his mufingf, he availeth me ofe hif opioun that I “muft fpeaketh pleyen to ye
Hackf of Avon and bid them forfake all and ony opioun” other than, “Furedly,
they muftte nameth ofe theyre blogge, ‘Ye more fool I’, bye refon ofe theyre
refidenfe wythin ye ruftyck Gladef of Arden”. Addyng, at hif partyng, “Whence
mony a wench, fool and creme fac’d loon hath dwelt, befotte’d, in theyre
poetrie and philofophie, before ye”. Then, wyth the fpeakyng ofe, “A-ho! A-ho!
Tra-lee!”, befoothe, he diffolveth into ayre af do ye Autmnal Fprytef of Arden
att ye dawn’f funrife. Thinketh, I “Paltroon!”.
Ye Dayye 3
Being a difcorf upoun myne loathyng ofe Horace Fletcher.
Fince, by ye Grace of Godde, mine deareft Mother haft been depriv’d
of her wittef and fought almf withyn myne humble dwellyng, I hav been
encoumber’d by ye moofte horryd rememberancf. Befhreweth me if fhe doth not
butt maketh the moofte loud and toothie noifef at ye breakyng of her faft, att
her luncheoun, att alle tymf, by refon of thyf manne knon at hif tymef af, “Ye
Gratte Mafticator”.
Verily, twaf mine Grandmother, that in her tender yeref ofe being
noght butt a fimple Victoryan nymph and thuf plyable ofe mynd, that fhe
availeth herfelf ofe hif phylofophie that, verily, a perfoun fhud cheweth upon
eche morfel of theyre foode one hundred tymef a minit afore it defcendeth to ye
ftoumuck. Thif, he theorifeth, affifteth ye digestioun.
“Ftrweth! I recolleceth myne Auntie Liz befeache me wyth grate
dygnatie whylst I waf yet a youthe in fhortpantf of feven foummerf, “Thou mufte
mafticate ev’ry mouthfule of thyne fupper no leff than eythie tymef yf’t thou
wouldft be grac’d wyth ftrenth ofe arm and ofe wifdom”. Whence ye five Rigg
fifterf (theyre being that mony female fiblyngf, and mightie fierf to butt a
tinie laddie) wouldft partaketh ofe ye luncheoun wyth muche gnafyng ofe theyre
teeth accompani’d by flurpyngf and floofhyngf of falivic juifef and ye
luncheoun taketh three houref ‘fore confumptioun by refon of thyf dictat. Ev’ry
dayye was I, ‘til I of layter yearf cud bedeck myne leggef in ye hofe and
longpantf ofe manlyneff and make free from hence, fo befet bye thyf cullinarie
pendantrie and bye fouch caufe, caft into Bedl’m.
Egad! butt doft nott myne deareft Mother do herefat’r af fhe waf
taughte? Thuf, att dawn’f neuw dayye and att alle myne prandialf thereafter, do
I lifteneth, echoyng lowder than ye mynfterlf and chorifterf in fulleft voyce
in ye emptie’d cathedr’l of Ft. Palf’f, to ye munchyngf and clankyng of jawf
and It taketh her five minitf to fwalloweth, pardoun drynketh, butt one
bufcuit!
For fuch refon do I defpyeth Horace Fletcher and nameth him for
nonce, fod, befhitter of bedf, weafel witte, and baftard fonne ofe a doxy. I
fayeft, aftour Ye Gratte Ben Jonfoun, may he hath defcend’d into Hell and,
thenceforeth for alle eternitie, be forc’d to licketh ye figgef that hangeth
from ye Devil’f Arfe, fuckyng on ef’ry oun a hundred tymef a minit.
Ye Dayye 4
Thys blogge beginneth to peyneth me in myne hyndmofte partf and myne
familiar, ye catte, Molly who, whence nature is betry’d at Hallow’f Eve,
forfoothe, tranfformeth to ye imp, Black and Whyte Malkin, doth fouch a rackett
make af fhe diftracteth me fromm purpoufe.
Thuf, bye God’f Graf I hope thys difcourf hath not a difpleafour’d
countanance upoun thy fine ftarr’d browf caft fuch darkneff’f that bye fouch
travailf it caufef myne lov’d labour’f to be loft upoun ye.
Fo nowe theef revellf are alle ended,
But, as of olde, a rhymef appended.
“Alle ye Worlde’f a blogge”, t’if faid.
Juft ye way to gette aheade.
In bufineff and in focial contacte
Get thee to keyeborde, make a contracte.
No longer if thyf Worlde a ftage,
Fuch ftuffe is off a biegone age.
And, thynketh thee who did not lyke it,
Ye ravyngf of thyf radddl’d idyot,
If thyf blogge hath fent thee madly,
I hope ye will nott take it badly.
For bardf ofe olde woulde alle nowe be
Quite lyt’rate in technologie.
(Exeunt left, quickly.)
