There's a delicious sense of detachment to be enjoyed sitting
in a warm car in traffic in the snow. Wipers wend their way back and forth. The
blood red lights of the car in front blur and clear and blur again, and I feel
mesmerised, reluctant to watch anything else.
On the pavement, people pick their way delicately through
the slush. Mouths open and close in conversation but all I see is their
expression. A more pure form of communication is this, devoid of the confusion
of spoken language. I know what they're saying even though I can't hear them. I
watch them as one might watch a television documentary with the sound turned
off. My focus is drawn to their eyes, and their mouths. The unintentional
pleading. The unspoken scorn. The irritation. Occasional enthusiasm. Distracted
attention to half attended sentences that may as well remain unsaid.
I see all these people living their different lives apart
from mine. And I see them seeing me living mine apart from theirs. Except I
know they don't notice me. I watch anonymously. I'm cocooned in a warm
bubble. Steel and glass encapsulated anonymity. And the snow falls gently from
the universal grey to melt on my windscreen. And the wipers quietly sing their
hushed, snow falling sibilance. And the engine purrs as though it will continue
to purr for eternity.
How is my life different from that of these people walking
past that I can watch with such detachment? Why don't I usually see them with such
clarity? I love them. And I hate them. And I'm mystified by them. And I'm
jealous of them. But most of all, I see them for what they really are, in a way
that I usually can't.
The traffic inches forward. I can't see who's in the car in
front. Those behind present silhouettes. One is male and the other female. She
turns to him, and then turns away again. He stares ahead.
Slowly through the sweeping snow, the blood red fluorescence
of a Tesco sign emerges. The traffic moves more quickly as we approach and
starts to carry me along. I have less time to watch the people walking past. I
glimpse just small parts of their lives now and I guess the rest. They seem to
be more like me. The gap in understanding reduces with my pace. The gap in
comprehension increases.
Then the blockage is broken and I have to move faster to
stay with the other cars. I have to look forwards. Can't afford to look
sideways. Can't afford to consider those people anymore. Or to wonder about
them. My attention is driven back to my most immediate concern, which is steering
my car through this awful traffic.
And each person that I see now looks much as the other. All trudging
through the slush, up the hill, with their bags of necessities. My world
shrinks back to my cocoon and I see myself in them now. As part of a process that
carries me, and all of them, along like flotsam on a river.
But it was good,
that small moment of clarity. Perhaps one day I'll see that way again. Was it a
state more alive, or nearer a state more like death?
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