Dearest David

10 Downing Street

London

SW1A 2AA

 

 

28th June 2015

David Cameron c/o HM Prison Brixton
Jebb Avenue
Brixton
London
SW2 5XF

My dearest David,

How's things inside old chap? Can't be much worse than Eton. Well, the food can't be any worse anyway. I'm sure I once saw Angry Alfers use the remains of our breakfast porridge to re-grout the urinals and the only thing that made those bricks they had the nerve to call bread loaves bearable was the mountain of butter we could slab on them. Of course, the butter came in handy when the lights went off too ...and  I'm sure you are giving thanks for nature's lube on a nightly basis at the moment. Metrosexuality may have helped you on the outside but perhaps a little less standing on the edge of the rugger field and a little more getting your nose dirty would have been a greater help to you now.

Enough of old times. I know you weren't expecting to hear from me and are wondering why I'm writing to you. It's simply to say I'm sorry for your bad luck old fellow. What a load of tosh! A left wing conspiracy! How else can you explain those emails coming to light right in the middle of your election campaign? A man's emails are his own private business I tell you, even if they do prove that you are a lying, sneaking, law breaker. Which you aren't of course...you are pure victim of Ed Millipede - son of a Brit hater's-  tenacious and malignant urge to punish the great and good of this country.  Yes, those emails did clearly have you admitting to knowing about and even sanctioning  the phone hacking  but really! With Andy Coulson as your ex-media advisor and Rebekah Brooks as your neighbour totty, it was obvious that you knew what was going on. I'm only surprised that you managed to avoid the law's gaze falling on you as long as it did...or did it gaze and you deflect? How did you do that I wonder?

Anyway, I'm sure you understand that I had no choice but to step into the breach. Nothing personal you understand, I would never betray a fellow Etonian and Buller, but us Rights were in disarray and I was persuaded most strongly for the good of the Party, nay, the Country, to accept the True Blue Mantle of Leadership and carry on the good fight! I picked up the baton most reluctantly but David believe me it was with the thought of only of you that I ran like the clappers.

I know it's hard to believe now but two years will pass in a trice and I'm sure that a bright future awaits you when you come out. I'm certain that Piers will be delighted to have you on his show... once he's out of prison too. And of course, the reality TV world is a broken, infamous man's oyster. I won't lie, Made in Chelsea won't touch you with a barge pole now but Celebrity Big Brother will have anyone!

Right must go! Time to polish off the contents off Bucks Palace larder. Before I sign off let me reassure you David that nothing will change with me in power. The newspapers and public are full of optimism and hope. They call me a breath of fresh air, the maverick of politics, the posh toff with the common man's touch. They actually think I'm going to be different, despite what I actually say and do (or perhaps more accurately don't do) . I shit dung balls into their mouths but they insist on tasting sugar cubes. ...what am I to do? Well the show must go on  - 'nil carborundum illegitimi' as dear illiterate Roofie would say. 

All yours,

Boris Johnson PM

Ps. Don't worry about Sam, she's in good hands - mine! Lol!