"Who the hell do you think you are?"
I'm not sure whether I was more taken aback by the question,
or by the character who presented himself before me. Dressed in suede boots,
black tights, a sequined T-shirt and some sort of translucent cloak, he'd
interrupted my meandering path from late closing nightclub to home by suddenly
jumping out of a dark alleyway.
I stopped. I didn't have much choice. Swaying slightly, I looked at this person
before me, stood there in falling drizzle, with laughter and the shouting
voices of other revellers falling away behind me into some distance that hadn't
been there a moment before.
"Well who the hell do you think you are?" Spoken
with more bravado than I felt. I was swaying back and forth. Not a good state
to be in when challenging anyone, let alone some ranting pervert in a super
hero costume.
He didn't answer, and I started to feel really uneasy. One
of the orange street lights was flickering, and the alleyway from whence this
apparition had silently emerged kept alternating between sheer black, and
ancient brickwork that ran with old water and rusty drainpipes.
Suddenly there were three parts to the world. There was my
drunken perspective. There was the world of other people, laughing and shouting
and calling to each other and going home together. And then there was this
thing in front of me that clearly belonged to a different universe. He, or
whatever it was, stood stock still and stared at me with an unmoving stillness.
Irrefutable, irresistible. Not available for comment.
And his question hung there in the space between us, easily
defeating my hastily muttered response. Because even I knew that his question
was bigger than mine.
I was going to say that time stood still. But that sounds
like such a cliche. That is what it was like though. I became aware. There,
alone, I saw the orange of the heavy bellied cloud passing curious over the city. I saw the
glossy windows of shops and offices that lined the road that made my direction,
frozen and waiting for an answer to the question. I heard those people behind
me, in a disconnected and staccato way that made no sense - they became mere
sounds without language, distant and meaningless. And this apparition stood
there before me, completely still and staring and waiting for an answer.
The only thing that had clarity, and was comprehensible, was
the question.
And then the people behind me caught up and passed me, arm
in arm and laughing and joshing and singing and ignoring me standing in their
midst as they poured past me, like water flowing past a rock in midstream.
There was me, and him, and them. And then they passed on, seemingly without noticing
me standing there.
And the last person to walk past was Julie. Arm linked with some bloke. Teetering slightly, and leaning her head towards his shoulder. Neither said anything. They just followed the crowd. He walking stiffly, she languid and seeking comfort. They walked in silence. A crystal termination to the the crowd that preceded them. A silent and reflective backstop. A full stop.
I watched all of this as though I wasn't really there. As
though I was invisible. Stood there swaying
faintly, hair drizzle damped and a drop of water forming on the end of my nose.
Julie receded and finally disappeared round the corner, still hanging on to her
upright man in needing quiet, saying nothing and being led.
I'd been well intentioned.
Friday night. Single man. Pub with friends. Club afterwards. But the friends
had melded away somehow, and I'd ended up sitting watching everything alone.
Detached. Unhappy but unable to admit why I felt so bleak amongst people so apparently
happy.
I'd turned towards the bar and accidentally bumped Julie,
who was waiting to be served. And for a
very brief instant as our eyes each registered the other's in passing, some
recognition of loneliness occurred. Just for an instant. And in that instant my
otherwise serene sea surged and blistered and boiled with suppressed emotion
and, just for an instant, my eyes watered. Just for an instant. And then the de
facto social behaviour kicked back in, and I looked at her more coldly. As one
stranger does to another. I'd seen that instant in her too, but the protocol
insisted that it be ignored.
She was beautiful. Just utterly, stunningly beautiful. In all
sorts of different ways, glimpsed in a flash over a single second and then cast
to one side. And I watched the barman instead. Then, in some slow time way, I
turned to meet her eyes again and she did too, and there was a small smile. But
the heave and chaos of everything around us pushed in and our communication was
drowned out, and we looked away again.
Flashing neon light flickered and soaked the air about me
and everyone and everything was moving. The barman was so fast, and everyone
called out to everyone else, and laughed and joked, and sound lay like a
blanket of writhing worms over the entire pulsating place. Except for Julie and
me. We stood free from it for a moment, aware of each other and nothing else.
Quiet and detached awareness in a single moment. A flash of understanding. Incongruent
state. Smooth water in a roiling sea.
Then the sound ocean came flooding back like a tsunami,
washing anything genuine away, and leaving only the broken stumps of something
that could have been said.
She bought her drink, and I bought mine.
"I know you don't I?" God could I not come up with
something more original?
And she turned and smiled such a smile that outshone the
universe, reducing everything to grey light and everyone around me receded and
became silent as I waited for her reply. In that moment I knew how utterly
unhappy I was. How my life comprised
mere existence. A sun with no horizon to rise above. In just a few seconds life
quickened and compressed and simplified and reduced and I knew far more than
I'd ever known before. I realised so much more than I needed to know. The
glistening white mountain peak that was my supposed life turned into a tumbling
avalanche sweeping all illusion before it and landing collapsed in a heap at
the bottom of a slope I thought I'd conquered.
This all happened in an instant. Nothing more. Just a chance
meeting of eyes. A glance and smile.
"I don't think so." she said. "My name's
Julie." And then she turned to pay the barman. I watched him. I'm a man. I
know men. I saw his eyes. Perhaps he also saw himself in that moment. Perhaps
he was also forced to face himself.
All of this came flooding back to me as I stood there, damp
and drizzled on and ignored and standing there still in the middle of the
street. Once Julie and her partner has disappeared round the corner, there was
me and the soft drizzling rain, and the silently flashing neon lights, and
nothing else. The weird super hero had gone.
I woke and the real
world rushed back again, quieter this time.
I carried on walking, deep in thought but seeing myself walking,
from above. I rounded the corner. There stood Julie, all alone in the wide
road, vapid commercial lights around her pulsating blurred through the falling
rain. She was still and bowed and sad and longing. Everyone else had long since
moved on, and she stood there in silence. She'd seen me and she'd waited for me.
I didn't stop. I carried on walking towards her and as I approached,
her eyes lifted and met mine and I reached out and gently took her in my arms
and wrapped myself around her and we both stood there still, in the flickering lights
of vainglorious butterfly shop windows and held each other very quietly.
Nothing needed to be said, and for the first time in my life, I knew what it
meant to be happy.
d
d
I enjoyed this David. You captured the feeling of 'loneliness is a crowded room' really well in the section about the nightclub. (I've always loved that line from a Roxy Music song.) I wasn't quite so sure about the ending though, I'm not sure that the emotion at that point would have been 'happy', though 'in drink' who knows! Nice piece though, well done. Sally
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